Magic is all things and no things
by Supikun
Summary: A magician looks onto his past and thinks of what will be...
1. Chapter 1

Getting lost in the trees – the Black Forest seemed to go on like an endless tunnel with a light at the end of it. The only reassurance I had was my friend and companion Pocky, a brown and black feline of the Siamese verity. Thanks to the misplaced cat, I found a small village. To return my spirits with a little "spirits", "I entered the closest bars, The Slopped Sickle. It suited my humor, since I usually go about in a death-like cowl but in blue. My eyes scanned the area seeing the regulars and the people that stuck out. It was quite easy to spot a 5'6" male in animal furs - like camouflage of a very rancid fighter or a woodsy ranger. He had pupil-less eyes that were blue or green or both. If it was not his eyes, it was his baldhead and long ears - an elf as if I ever saw one!

He was in fist-a-cuffs with a monster, whom I later leaned was an orc. It seems very clear who would win, but the orc lost! Baldy stumbled off finished with the fight over a sick, he went to a bard – whose song of heroism let me give her a silver coin.

I nodded knowing that stick had to be magickal, "It is something you do not see every day, right Pocky?"

I took a step back, running into a person.

"My name is Dice, not pocky."

I turned my head to look back to discover that the plump and squishy feeling behind me belonged to a very well built woman. She was 4'2" with black hair, blue-purple eyes. She was dressed; if one could call that dressed, in tan leather barely covering her. All she would need would be a whip and a black cap to pull the S & M thing off.

Blushing, I pointed at my cat, "Um-mm-err…I was talking to her."

"It's soo cute," she leaned over giving a view.

I turned round fully, hesitantly holding my hand out, "Tim Rameur of Bardsey Isle."

"Dice," she paused to ask, "Why are you dressed like that?"

I was to busy happily smiling, thinking unholy thoughts of her – a whip, a rope, and several animals…Not getting a reply, Dice went off to other parts of the bar scene threatening cutely but menacingly that if anyone tired to make a pass at her, she would send them to place infernal. I went over to listen in on the bard and the rancid male, out of pure curiosity. What I got out of it was the orcs of a certain band wiped-out his people and that the fist-fight over a stick involved this "blood debt."

"A real vindictive streak to you," I self inserted into their conversation, happily introducing myself.

The bard – a 5'4" woman with blue eyes and pink hair – introduced herself, "Tofeena," and gestured to her counter-part as Ota. Saying she was gaudily dressed would be the under statement of the decade. She smiled seeing how I was attired, she asked, "Are you TIM the Enchanter – then what is the flight velocity of an unlaiden swallow?"

I decided to avoid the question – going onto something completely different – saying that I would be interested in helping them. Tofeena offered a pittance up-front and a share in anything "found or liberated from their previous owners."

Dice cheerfully smiled, "I have nothing else better to do."

I on the other hand muttered, "It should make my uncle happy."

Tofeena proposed to rest up and start in the morning. Petting "my cute, adorable little Pocky" I went to bed thinking of the laundry list of my uncle: he was a player collecting girlfriends like collector cards - how else do I have twenty or so cousins, he is a very powerful man – only my father matched him, and a decadent person – be he is weighed down with the gifts of his power being too great for one man and knowing too much about the future, "Some gifts are the greatest burden."

The next day, after a scream in the night by Ota thinking someone would come, steal his stick, and him end up in a tender loving embrace of a corpse. Pocky was still sleeping, so it was very difficult to remove the feline from its warm place – atop my chest and neck. Tofeena and Ota looked like Hell – or a place near by. Ota clueless asked who we were, probably feeling the effects of the booze he drank. We, meaning Dice and I, re introduced ourselves.

"Cannon fodder," Tofeena whispered to him out loud so that we could clearly hear it, making me wonders about their relationship. I concluded that they were not "involved", and if they did, he would be in the submissive role. She paid us each a gold coin, I without a scale figured against holding one of my own; it weighed less than 4.22 grams. It did not help the coins I had were 97 percent pure gold and 3 percent platinum. I decided to not bring it up; I know she would not degrade into clipping – cutting off the edges of a coin to cheat on pieces of things bought and keeping the edges to later be melted down into new gold. Of course it could be that the local authorities have devalued the currency with a little base metal - like iron, copper, tin, etal.

Into the forest we went. I stood in the strategic middle knowing with my constitution, that my cat attacking me could kill me. Ota, being suited to the woods went ahead. He came across a war pony with its reigns cut. It reared up, lowered its head and entered a fighting stance. Without care, Ota drew his sword and stuck the pony dead. He felt so bad, and the comments of poor thing did not help. Then he started to act like nothing happen and started to butcher the horse as Tofeena retched. Pocky was disgusted and interested in the fresh raw meat, I wretched too.

"Over-reacting much?"

"It tried to attack me," Ota offered a piece of meat coping a feel of Dice – she punched him in the face, "My mistake."

"Bad elf, bad, bad elf," Tofeena scolded making me cower as a little girl ran up.

She asked where Buttercup was then screamed in horror of her pet being dead. She proceeded to guilt-trip him into bringing her pet back or else. He promised he would, taking part of the horse's hair – probably to wear as a necklace. Pocky thinks I am with some truly strange people. Tofeena to tease him composes a funeral dirge over the horse.

Night came; unfortunately, I took the first watch wishing I could stay up later and watch the stars. While I was sleeping a voice came from a rock near Tofeena, "Get your foot of! What do you think you're doing standing on my rock?"

She quickly removed her foot, "Sorry."

The voice asked, "Seen my eye anywhere? It's green."

Ota insulted looking into his sack, "All I got is blue and brown."

"See it? Let me, Zahra; know at my rock," the voice paused, "Was I going to eat you?"

"No," the bard said quickly.

"Okay, good night."

The rest of the night went uneventfully – despite the later knowledge of a coven of hags in the area. At a meager breakfast of moldy bread and beer, Tofeena was starting to compose an epic about Ota slaying the pony, "I don't blame you; I record heroic deeds."

"What I love about humans," I giggled very amused, "Their sarcasm."

We set out, halfway between breakfast and lunch; Ota sees a rustle in a bush. A doggish tail stuck out of it. Ota whistled at it, Tofeena swore she is seeing a bi-pedal dog, which unnerved Pocky. I gave a smile, "Dirmyg Omush-on-Imak Iustig," out from my hand came a spray of artic cold striking its tail. Up jumped barking a greenish bipedal dog-like hyena.

"Fetch!"

Tofeena tossed a stick into the trees; the thing – a gnoll – instinctively ran after it. Pocky looked at me saying without speech – that is typical of canines and it looked like work. I just maliciously giggled. We continued on, the rest of the day uneventfully passed into night, well after dinner. I DO have my priorities – a man called Frederick the Great would quip, "An army marches on its stomach."

During my watch while playing Pocky's favorite game – give her a ball of wool and later cute her free of her bounds – I heard some rustling near Ota. I blew my signal whistle waking him. He orders the trees to stop, taking out his stick. The gnoll had returned, it looked at the stick and growls. I blew the signal whistle again. Waking out of the only tent the bard quips, "He wants to play – he wants your stick."

"How kuute – can we keep him," Dice asked.

Ota thinks about it, still under his guilt-trip, was attacked. It missed. He tries a magic spell – it fails to activate, "Shet! Guess I havta kill it!"

"Oh come on, just throw it!"

Ota, "the stick bearer", tosses a secondary stick into the wilds – the gnoll went after it.

"He must've drunk the water."

"Note to myself, water skin," I muttered.

The next day we strategized on how to enter the camp of the orcs – i.e. - marched down into the camp and surrendered. Ota somehow, beyond my mind offered up Dice and me. Pocky was suddenly sad – she would really miss her feedings. Kitty, being her usual self – she thinks the whole universe revolves around her -. The bard through a series of insults proceeds to get us an audience in the center area of the camp -- a feasting hall of some sort. It looked like a pigsty and smelled twice as bad. Their leader, the big one on the large chair identified the stick Ota was carrying. Ota explained that he got it back in a duel noting some antlers on the wall belonging to his people. The leader claimed them as spoils of war and that the local human baron / shire-reeve paid him to do it. Ota claimed the horns as his. The leader demanded, "They fought well, you may have it back. All they have tattoos, where you have tattoos."

Ota de-pants himself revealing a tattoo on his ass. In addition, not that I was looking, he was not that "endowed" – with Dice's proportions as a mark, she was "endowed."

"I think I am going to be unwell."

The leader then offered up some of his women to us.

"I am NOT going to wretch," Tofeena cringed as Ota took a half-hour to think about it, "I am not going to wretch."

"Never mind," I promptly said, "Engaged."

Tofeena later teased Ota, "A long time to consider that…"

"Orc fetish," Dice added.

On the way back we learned with a little bardic knowledge that the antlers were some sylvan scimitars – that changes the bearer into a stag on the full moon and some other magical stuff that did not interst me. Ota plans to assassinate the local baron.

"There is no reason to do that. How are you going to prove it?"

"I worship the saint of justice – we torcher him in the night. We sent you up as a lady of the night and…"

"I am an orator –not an actress or an assassin."

"We're soo dead."

Night falls. On the first watch, I heard some snuffling sounds. I load my crossbow and blow the whistle justifying, "Hey, I'm paranoid – but not stupid."

It only was some badgers; Ota throws it some scraps dubbing them – Badgie and Tanuki.

The next morning, during breakfast, some gulls came out of the brush. Ota again throws a stick – this time not buying it. They attack Ota; he tries to defend but misses. Dice sneaks behind one of the two knolls and hits it with her rapier. The gnoll trice to hit back and misses. Tofeena touches / hits Ota over the head and somehow he feels better – probably a cure spell of some sort. I with my crossbow shot the already injured gnoll. The gnoll misses Ota again, Dice kills it. Tofeena curses and tries to hit the remaining gnoll and misses so did Ota.

I chanted, " Istig Edmyg Elssim," or something to that effect in a chant to create a missile of magical energy darts from my fingers to hit the gnoll. In response to my damage the gnoll hits Ota hard dodges Dices attack. Tofeena smartly cures Ota with her arts as I again chant, "Istig Edmyg Elssim," striking again. This makes the gnoll to take it on the run, giving unsportsmanlike conduct on the others by attacking him while he runs away. Then after he is dead, we start looting the corpses – battle ages, shields, scale mail, 800 silver coins, and a mighty composite longbow. I was given 200 silver and the bow was forced onto me.

Night went uneventfully, day came. Pocky's ears perked hearing something – something like bees. Then we sighted giant mosquitoes – they were the size of my foot! Ewww. The first one stings Dice and the second one Tofeena. Ota manages to slice out of the air the third. But third that he missed stings him. Dice cuts off hers, Tofeena cut off hers – splat.

I chant, "Istig Edmyg Elssim," a missile of magical energy darts from my fingers to hit the thing on Dice who was draining her of blood. Ota gain misses; it hit him in a hard place to get and was draining him of blood.

"I have it," Dice splats hers. Tofeena sings to hit, I was confused as Ota crits almost slicing his neck off – giving himself a shave in the process.

"We better make sure that someone does not take the blood and clone us."

"We destroy them well, as I comment, "My uncle would kill me if it happened to me…"

"What do you have against your uncle – you should see my family," Dice commented.

I just smiled thinking to myself, "You are lucky not to know him. He and my late father, who died under "mysterious circumstances", were rivals / lovers. They both competed in everything, including the love of my mother. Now stuck in a possible Hamlet position, I decided to leave house and home – also the possibility of being married off to one of his "girlfriends / wives" was not in my list of things to do."

To cut the tail off the preverbal fox, I stupidly found the others kidnapping some half-orc and myself framed with the baron's murder, right after having Ota take back the bow that he gave me.

Nothing of real note happened on the road south other than two others joined our number…

Us fighting some wild boars – made some nice bacon from them - and me retching at Ota roasting some giant centipede that attacked us and eating it like a lobster ...

Thanks to some bad luck, took a wrong turn I think – a 6'2" half-orc named Th"ug, who I do suspect is plotting something with the wizard half-orc woman we kidnapped from the late baron's house though I think it might be true that Ota has an orc fetish, with gray skin and gray eyes wearing a chain shirt, an empty pouch, and a kilt like he was pretending to be a Scot …

The other, to my amusement, was a male elf named Francine. This elf, with his feminine name, seems perfect for but of many jokes and ergo is the master swordsmen with a very short fuse.

In several villages on the way to the capital city of the empire the bard, Tofee, managed to cash-out the stuff we "liberated" from the baron's house.

With my share, although technically I never had to worry about money – my father was quite wealthy ... he left my mother a nice little house, another wards a large tower, and a pile of money and stuff that sits locked up, I do not have the key and am never able to get it – since my father caste some sort of never breakable ward on the room so that ONLY he or his brother may enter, that is said to rival some dragon's hoards... I accepted it anyway since I rather use the money I earn personally than use "family money" - I made several purchases… firstly a magical sack that allows one to carry 1'000 pounds or 150 cubic feet of stuff in volume, a secondary "special" magic bag...just to annoy Pocky... and a horse. I decided on how annoyed the look on Pocky's cute little face seeing the horse, in the cat's mind I am her property and I should not belong to any other animal, to omit telling it about the secondary bag.

In a different city, I also got rid of a magical cloak studded with moonstones – at the time I took it from the baron, I claimed I loved moonstones – and then I remembered something about magical items… they can be scryed on…I did this apart from the group, so that they could not buy it either, I sold it only claiming, "One person scrying on me is enough…"

I later the same day discovered in my bed a letter

"**My cute little nephew, my cute little relative.**

**Do not be so wary. I am not scrying on you, well not at the moment. I do have other things to do in life – I have duties that must be preformed so that everything falls in their proper place, everything happens for a reason, you should know that – "If something happens in Asia, there is usually a fox behind it…" **

**I did find it confusing and amusing that you were impishly using the forename Tim - the same name of your son, not-yet-born. **

**Do not be so paranoid, do not hate me, I do care for you and your mother too much to let you come to harm. **

**You should be free to be yourself, whoever which may be. **

**However, I do have some advice, continue studying your magick, be more interactive with your companions, and show more of a backbone – how else will your fiancé respect you. Your fiancé? She is named…"**

I quickly tore up the letter taking the advice to note and went down into the inn's bar to get drunk. In the bar I noticed two very short people with very long ears, I asked the barkeep who they were. The barkeep identified them as two Halflings who recently came into some money; it seemed until now they had not paid their rent. I gave him a copper as a tip atop my bill – room and board; fish, for Pocky; Cornish hen or some other under-developed poultry product, it was over-cooked but okay; wine, which tasted like mouthwash watered down with WD-40; cheese, a little moldy but tasteful if one likes to eat mold.

Then it struck me strange, I remembered a story from one of the towns we were passing through that the local priest on his "day off" – which I did find insulting… there is a little law in my chaotic moods … since when you enter any carrier one should be up to the duties 24-7-366 days a year … one great benefit to having sorcery as a carrier you can change yourself at the drop of a hat with a pigeons and the sleeves full of rabbits or is it the other way around … the priest went out drinking, according to some a mortal sin, with some of the common people and entered a game of chance, according to some another mortal sin, and lost almost everything on a rigged game.

Marking cards, loading dice – that is a fly in my ointment … I may not always tell the truth, honor tradition, respect those in authority, and be reliable … but that … I am going to teach those two a lesson in my way the universe works … let me see, use some pickpocket skill and place the secondary "special" bag on the two Halflings and then claim they stole it framing them … challenge them to a game of chance and cheat them … it would serve them right… into selling themselves into slavery to me … Or something else … There are so many interesting possibilities, without ever killing them …And if I was a more powerful in my sorcery, all I have to do is point and think, "polymorph them into a rats," and then let Pocky have a little fun but not kill them … Since I am not … I must work with what I have … Let me see – sword and crossbow, let them cut me down and possibly get arrested; my magic, too weak all I could do is give them the same damage as an arrow in the crotch; ergo, that leaves my special little bag … which I bought to annoy my cat, she is so much fun to tease, giggle … from the bag I can pull five types of animals – a Bat, I could pass them off as a couple of vampires or want-to-be vampires; a Rat, Pocky will eat it; a Cat, I do not want to even know what my familiar will do if it sees another cat that I own; Weasel, either it will be eaten by my familiar or be very annoying to them; or badger, now that has some possibilities ... specially when my "companions" are being followed by a cite of badgers because we fed them and keep feeding them...

_Unfortunately, since I was drunk - I had a reason to! I pulled out of nowhere a weasel and tossed it at the halflings. They thought it was a magic trick and asked for some more, "Do you do parties?"_

"_Yes, follow me," so I invited them into the ally and tried to strike them with my sword. they laughed at me and gave e a gold piece, I stumbled off back to my room and collapsed - I rather not end up like Francine, found in a pool of his own vomit and urine - I think the inn might be changing its name to Puddle o' Vomit because of him. Meanwhile the bard with a little help from the thief finds one of the people responsible for the baron's murder and convinces the orc mage that her friend whose name I do not remember was responsible - they also learn from the cohort that the murderer is traveling with a golden cage with a mechanical bird. _

_Morning comes; Francine goes to takes a bath after being insulted by Ota and the bard. But when he finds me with a hangover… He, Ota was disgusted, despite my protests of having a reason_.

The Bard says they should catch up with the murderer in a couple days telling of the object, thinking it was something like the Maltese Falcon I claimed it as mine. Before we set out the bard identifies two Halflings, the same ones I tried to kill as some thieves who pissed off the local knight. I decide to not be involved despite her song as they tried to kill the two -- "Kill the halfling! Kill the halfling! It stole Ota's purse! Kill the halfling! Kill the halfling! Kill the halfling! That must've hurt! Kill the halfling! Chase the halfling! Chase the halfling! It absconded... Fucking halflings."

The innkeeper objects, the Halfling's money paid him off. We set out. The day went uneventfully except during the night. That nightfall, I see a child come up to the fire with very big eyes... it conned me into believing the fled Halfling was a poor orphan. I offer him some food and drink. He thanked me, then I realized after he left that I gave him all the "lobster," the centipede. When I realized who I gave that food away to, I was quite proud of myself that I got rid of the "lobster" but still had other food that Ota killed and cooked - he designated himself the group's chef.

To the bard's other song, at Ota's expense, "Smelly elf! Smelly elf. What are you eating now? Smelly elf. Smelly elf! This is all your fault," we see a city in flames. Through a roundabout way we discover the murderer with the birdcage, the bird cage is responsible for it - causing a riot. I thought to myself of the fun I could have with it in "the eternal city"... Which was near by. We ride out full tilt to the imperial city, driven basically totally insane by the birdcage, it was cursed!

Ota was very objectionable, he was ready to kill over that birdcage – completely irrational – killing over material things, to me being left to having it; he is no fun even with my high will power. He only saw "the eternal city" in flames; ergo, the Empire collapse. I tried to justify later after he gave it to some saint - who took it to heaven, that the fun part would have been the orgy prior to the fall of a corrupt empire. During the hand off to the saint, I was not present at it - needed my sleep - the bard was conned into taking this cute little boy in priest's robes to several other holy sites in the world. Getting rid of the two orcs, I decide to go along, one because I did not want Ota corrupting this innocent boy; and two because I had nothing better to do.


	2. Chapter 2

I quickly tore up the letter taking the advice to note and went down into the inn's bar to get drunk. In the bar I noticed two very short people with very long ears, I asked the barkeep who they were. The barkeep identified them as two Halflings who recently came into some money; it seemed until now they had not paid their rent. I gave him a copper as a tip atop my bill – room and board; fish, for Pocky; Cornish hen or some other under-developed poultry product, it was over-cooked but okay; wine, which tasted like mouthwash watered down with WD-40; cheese, a little moldy but tasteful if one likes to eat mold.

Then it struck me strange, I remembered a story from one of the towns we were passing through that the local priest on his "day off" – which I did find insulting… there is a little law in my chaotic moods … since when you enter any carrier one should be up to the duties 24-7-366 days a year … one great benefit to having sorcery as a carrier you can change yourself at the drop of a hat with a pigeons and the sleeves full of rabbits or is it the other way around … the priest went out drinking, according to some a mortal sin, with some of the common people and entered a game of chance, according to some another mortal sin, and lost almost everything on a rigged game.

Marking cards, loading dice – that is a fly in my ointment … I may not always tell the truth, honor tradition, respect those in authority, and be reliable … but that … I am going to teach those two a lesson in my way the universe works … let me see, use some pickpocket skill and place the secondary "special" bag on the two Halflings and then claim they stole it framing them … challenge them to a game of chance and cheat them … it would serve them right… into selling themselves into slavery to me … Or something else … There are so many interesting possibilities, without ever killing them …And if I was a more powerful in my sorcery, all I have to do is point and think, "polymorph them into a rats," and then let Pocky have a little fun but not kill them … Since I am not … I must work with what I have … Let me see – sword and crossbow, let them cut me down and possibly get arrested; my magic, too weak all I could do is give them the same damage as an arrow in the crotch; ergo, that leaves my special little bag … which I bought to annoy my cat, she is so much fun to tease, giggle … from the bag I can pull five types of animals – a Bat, I could pass them off as a couple of vampires or want-to-be vampires; a Rat, Pocky will eat it; a Cat, I do not want to even know what my familiar will do if it sees another cat that I own; Weasel, either it will be eaten by my familiar or be very annoying to them; or badger, now that has some possibilities ... specially when my "companions" are being followed by a cite of badgers because we fed them and keep feeding them...

_Unfortunately, since I was drunk - I had a reason to! I pulled out of nowhere a weasel and tossed it at the halflings. They thought it was a magic trick and asked for some more, "Do you do parties?"_

"_Yes, follow me," so I invited them into the ally and tried to strike them with my sword. they laughed at me and gave e a gold piece, I stumbled off back to my room and collapsed - I rather not end up like Francine, found in a pool of his own vomit and urine - I think the inn might be changing its name to Puddle o' Vomit because of him. Meanwhile the bard with a little help from the thief finds one of the people responsible for the baron's murder and convinces the orc mage that her friend whose name I do not remember was responsible - they also learn from the cohort that the murderer is traveling with a golden cage with a mechanical bird. _

_Morning comes; Francine goes to takes a bath after being insulted by Ota and the bard. But when he finds me with a hangover… He, Ota was disgusted, despite my protests of having a reason_.

The Bard says they should catch up with the murderer in a couple days telling of the object, thinking it was something like the Maltese Falcon I claimed it as mine. Before we set out the bard identifies two Halflings, the same ones I tried to kill as some thieves who pissed off the local knight. I decide to not be involved despite her song as they tried to kill the two -- "Kill the halfling! Kill the halfling! It stole Ota's purse! Kill the halfling! Kill the halfling! Kill the halfling! That must've hurt! Kill the halfling! Chase the halfling! Chase the halfling! It absconded... Fucking halflings."

The innkeeper objects, the Halfling's money paid him off. We set out. The day went uneventfully except during the night. That nightfall, I see a child come up to the fire with very big eyes... it conned me into believing the fled Halfling was a poor orphan. I offer him some food and drink. He thanked me, then I realized after he left that I gave him all the "lobster," the centipede. When I realized who I gave that food away to, I was quite proud of myself that I got rid of the "lobster" but still had other food that Ota killed and cooked - he designated himself the group's chef.

To the bard's other song, at Ota's expense, "Smelly elf! Smelly elf. What are you eating now? Smelly elf. Smelly elf! This is all your fault," we see a city in flames. Through a roundabout way we discover the murderer with the birdcage, the bird cage is responsible for it - causing a riot. I thought to myself of the fun I could have with it in "the eternal city"... Which was near by. We ride out full tilt to the imperial city, driven basically totally insane by the birdcage, it was cursed!

Ota was very objectionable, he was ready to kill over that birdcage – completely irrational – killing over material things, to me being left to having it; he is no fun even with my high will power. He only saw "the eternal city" in flames; ergo, the Empire collapse. I tried to justify later after he gave it to some saint - who took it to heaven, that the fun part would have been the orgy prior to the fall of a corrupt empire. During the hand off to the saint, I was not present at it - needed my sleep - the bard was conned into taking this cute little boy in priest's robes to several other holy sites in the world. Getting rid of the two orcs, I decide to go along, one because I did not want Ota corrupting this innocent boy; and two because I had nothing better to do.

Though personally, it seems that little item - the birdcage with the mechanical bird is going to be a constant annoyance - because on the way to the next city were the little boy as to do penance we were attacked several times by two different "interested" parties. We manage to trick them off by telling them that it was handed off to some god or saint in the imperial city - despite my attempts at having them kill the emperor, or the one using the title of "impertor" - I think she is the wife of the late "procurator" Thereus.

My reasoning's were simple for sending them to kill the one use that title is two-fold - empires raise and empires fall, this one is corrupt and needs to fall; and that the church authorizes, who have "undue influences" on the imperial office, are persecuting people who use magic.

The second one after the birdcage, in my impishness told him, "What the truth or a lie? There is another after the birdcage."

When the little boy – Straith - asked about this, Ota tried to tell him the truth, but the bard silenced him letting the poor child stay innocent.

We arrive in the city were the boy is to make penance. Unfortunately, I think there was some sort of bard's convention here – I must have heard the same story fifty times. So I started to feel pretentious and bought myself a suite, but discovered that the birdcage has been tossed out of heaven.

During the day, to placate my cat's bruised ego for having that little magic bag that I can produce other animals from, I do some gathering of information about sorcery … unfortunately all I find is some bardic rot and not my branch of the arcane and "much superior" arts. However Pocky's nose smelled another familiar and I decided to follow it discovering a person also in robes with also a Siamese cat...two mages with Siamese in the same place is not by chance...the cat's name was Flan, and its owner Kaeri...the bard, Tofee, interrupted our little talk telling me about the mayor's bard's house... that there were strange lights in it. Kaeri suggested that I go, blushing - thanks to empathic link to my cat, I agreed. We - Tofee, Ota, Dice, and I break into the mayor's bard's house. We ransack it, I find a +1 short sword and I "borrow" it. The bard borrows a rapier.

We depart… Thaila to play some music at the mayor's party, Ota was invited "posing" as a duke from the north, and Dice crashed the party. I went back to Kaeri and attempted to get out of her if she was sent by my uncle, suspecting that she was my fiancé - despite getting her sick drunk, which was easy since she was an elf and somehow knew my cat like hers... all I found out that her mother, Langeuoreth, had an out of marriage affair... Useless information! Totally useless! She must have some power or some great willpower…I placed her into her room and decided to go to the mayor's party – I crashed it. I cursed my luck at picking Kaeri's brain, leaving Pocky in my suite … I figure that it would be questionable to bring the lovesick feline along. The bard asked me where I was, blushing, I blurted out, "I don't havta explain!"

"There's a secret door this way," The bard sang inspiring the crowd about some secret door in the mayor's house; the party goers thought it was some sort of metaphor for the existence of life in some sort of Zen philosophy. Ota, Tofee, Dice, and I went in and down into the mayor's basement - unfortunately it was a maze of twisting corridors, traps, stupid guardians . . . a maze, I just love mazes. Inside despite Dice's failures at the locks, we discovered and liberated a fortune in treasure -- mighty composite longbow; wand of silence; some books, which I suspect have some arcane spells; 2 arcane scrolls; glowing long sword; 40 platinum coins, 600 gold coins, 4800 silver coins.

We also in the maze discover two demons - succubae, we release them from their chains… it seems the mayor summoned them and chained them to the wall for his own evil purposes… however the second demon steals the birdcage which was on an infernal alter. I silently cursed to myself that this cage will again turn up in my life, I am going to have to either destroy it and myself with it or use it to destroy the empire or whatever comes first.

Also in the depths of the maze we discover this little creature... it was sooo cute... a dragon, a baby blue dragon.

Tofee and I proceeded to adopt it and try to get it back to its mother.

I divided the treasure equally between the participants in the mayor's maze – those who helped raid the devil-worshiping mayor's basement, in the maze giving each 246 gold coins and 960 silver ones; however, I used the platinum ones to buy gems ... little treats for the dragon.

Despite Pocky's protests, I hired a ship … no questions asked, also under the false name "Loaken Lai" to secure our secrecy since the mayor is someway involved in the imperial hierarchy.

Thanks to a silence wand and the invisibility spell of the bard, we managed to hide a dragon the size of a horse! The bard knew the language of dragons becoming the adoptive mother - thus teaching it proper dragon grammar - also me in the process... I, the adoptive father, on the other hand after each lesson gave the creature, Hakau, a sliver off a gem...dragons consider gems and gold a delicacy, like escargot for the French…

I on my part to keep the cute Hakau calm pulled out of my special bag the verity of creatures -- bat, rat, cat, weasel, badger... finally I pull a badger, when it is not in combat, curse my luck! I was trying in my own way that there are good things in this world and to appreciate the arts of magick.

Ota object to this indicating that blue dragons are EVIL, but the bard countered it as a great social experiment, that could we teach it to become good. I mistakenly pissed off Dice when I said that I could actually watch it grow up and see the experiment's success or failure because of being an elf and have the possibility to living for hundreds of years. I secretly nursed another reason, I was always told to respect dragons, to quote a bad prediction my father made, "Kowtow to them, move the Heavens and Earth to aid them. When all the mountains are shaken, and the seas are emptied, where will my old friends go? "For when the last dragon in the world dies centuries from now, it will not die in glory but dishonor." Such in-glory for so majestic and beautiful a beast - old, sickly, alone, almost toothless... Its death will be a mercy blow - there will be nothing for the murderer from that hide."

This prediction and mention of the death of "old friends" angered my uncle; they never spoke to each other again after that prophecy. Personally, I do not want to live to that time where there are no dragons… so I was willing to give the love-sick Pocky the idea that the cat better shape-up or I will replace the feline with a dragon. We managed to return Hakau, to its mother. I also handed over all the gems I bought and all my money to honor the dragon's mother and Hakau's siblings. Dice probably thinks I am insane or insensitive to the world and human affairs. I have a tender heart and do what I want to do when I want to! I am free as the wind! It is in all my reasoning the tradition has been that "young sorcerers - to be free as the wind but like tornados. The prerogative of older sorcerers are to be the calming source, the ones to teach and protect the young ones that wizardry takes wisdom."

In a maze again, I do not know where in the Hell I will turn out in . . . all I remember is that the bard ticked me into venturing into the catacombs below Carthage. Though where ever I do end up is going to be very interesting... Dice re-codified the requirements to have her become my apprentice, basically that she has noticed that even while eating that I keep my faced covered. I revealed that it was so that I could be "faceless" without the troublesome problems of guilt or shame; she indicated that my reasoning was right but she would like to know - just in case. Despite what my self-elected conscience, Pocky, might say, I might do it...it could be fun...what made my decision is what happened... Ota clueless as ever, stepped into a room with a large snake like thing with a hand.

"What's up snake guy cool place you got," Ota said then was attacked. The snake-thing used its psychic powers, I think they were psychic - well it was close to telekinesis for me... to animate a shield. Dice proceeded to attack the shield, or was it the other way around with the shield attacking her. I managed to restrain myself - internally I was laughing my ass off at the shield flying about throwing Dice against the wall and ceiling... so much so that I pissed myself, lucky for me and my fragile ego it was put off as part of Ota's rank smell and the snake-thing's blood.

We continued on after I handed over 200 silver coins that were found in the room to our cute little priest. The door to the next room was stuck, Dice insulted after Ota injured himself trying to open the door, "That is how to do it, elf, it opens outwards not inwards."

Ota tried to justify that he was not opening the door but its frame. I shook my head at the proverbial barbarian "elf boy," then my eye sighted what was in the room...a juvenile white dragon, it was soo cute, even when it said in the tongue of dragons - I have my suspicions that the language is very, very close to Han Chinese, not that I even know where China is or been there, "Hungry, yummy elves..."

Ota licked his lips and pounced at the beast, I on the other hand looked down at the floor briefly, "I feel bad about this," and joined in the combat against a beast that the ability to take horse-sized chunks out of us with its claws and teeth... not to mention its dangerous breath. Tofee suggested in song after I for the first time used one of the spells written on a scroll, which briefly turned the floor into an ice-rink, "We're screwed, head for the door."

We beat a hasty retreat with Dice leaving her "favorite" sword behind, she wanted it back and was very insistent. We rested up and went at the dragon the next day; it was sleeping when we found it, which gave Dice the time to get in for a nasty back-stab... that must have hurt, because the beast woke up roaring. We fought the beast, on my mind was one thing either give it a mercy blow or the fact that dragons are magical ergo so are their parts. Dice celebrated at her skill, "I hit the broadside of a dragon!"

"We killed a dragon," Ota almost sang after the battle, since our poor bard was hit by the beast's breath, she was lucky to be alive.

"Where's this "we", eh, elf boy," Dice rightly claimed the kill. I ignored everything in the room and proceeded to cut from the beast's carcass some skin, for some future dragon-hide armor; two of its nails, which can be used in some rare spells; two of its teeth, which also can be used in magick; and a little bit of its flesh, just for a little "experiment" later. Dice looked at me strangely, I pointed at Ota, "I am NOT like him - I have my reasons."

"Sure you are..."  
Despite my sadness over being partially responsible for killing a dragon, Pockie even was worse, we came upon some zombie rats. Before the feline had time to play with them, the little priest used some exorcism and they turned into dust robbing my poor kitty of its playtime.

We moved on, and for almost the first time in her life the bard killed something, I suspect she will make some sort of epic like Gilgamesh out of it. Though myself, I am starting to think I am a thief, I forget that I have that little bag where I can pull little creatures out of and move to flank knowing very well that the creatures we face could take the opportunity to beat me senseless. For instance I almost became the dinner of aforementioned dragon, a mantacore, and a giant bird thing... I am starting to confirm the old rumor that everything HATES elves. Other than being around long enough to piss everything off and the usual elf is either a ranger, but not as bad as Ota, or a sorcerer...

I have MY reasons to be a magick user, which I tried to explain, that it was an inescapable destiny and a tradition, some people are just - how do you say it, "born into the tradition." Though technically, there would be nothing wrong with me taking other useful skills that could prove useful in lure of possible future events - I have this sick feeling that that little mechanical bird will show up and it will involve the current person or thing using the title of emperor - not that I have anything against the down-fall of empires, I know that out of self-preservation that I do not want to die in order for it to happen.

I realized that I gave Francine a magical sword, stupid! I could have used it!

C'est la vie, le vie ist la mort.

We discovered what the final books were from the mayor's house -- one was a diary and according to the bard tells that mechanical bird thing belongs to the Death, and the last book is a ceremony of sacrifice to Death.

Crap! Crap! Crap!

So much for my plan to destroy it; I know if I die, my problems will just start -- I can imagine the scene Death takes one look at me hands me over to uncle saying, "If I see HIM again, very soon, WE are going to have some words."

But at the moment, who cares... looking into the future is always cloudy. Into a large room we met some person, Midena, who was placed there for her safety. Despite Ota almost alienating her we led her back to the griffon, who was not please to see her but was willing to send us back to the city, instead of ending up who-knows-where and when. We divided the treasure that we found.

I got 138 platinum pieces, 2'404 gold, 1'726 silver, 2762.2 gold pieces worth in gems, and two scrolls.

On that note of scrolls, our priest, Straith, got some with a quick edit by the bard removing a spell she called "gues or quest." Personally, I would not mid the idea of quests, I thought bards would be interested in things like that - the Golden Fleece, the Grail, the lost what-ever...they make such great stories.

Ota on the other hand got some magical flying stone that circles around his head that gives him special abilities ... and to swat the flies, I predict with his tongue one day he is going to get smited or get me smote.

Once back to civilization, I donated at several temples my silver pieces. With the influx of silver, Ota was started to be followed around by some "beggar" children, he asked to see their feet...okay, weirdo... I also off-loaded the dragon-hide onto Francine, basically I went to a leather-worker made it masterwork. I was charged 325 in gold, then I charged Francine for 330 - ergo a five gold profit. Francine later had to go elsewhere to have it made magical, hey I only carried it, and five was the carrying charge.

Later that night, the "beggar" children returned. Francine threw these thieves out the window they came in, he then proceeded to jump and land on the halfings crushing them to death. Meanwhile Tofee, our bard, used some magic charmed the one trying to break into her room to become her servant for the next 12-hours. Ota brutally slaughtered the thieves in his room. Dice was so quick, with her thief skills that she put a quick merciful end to them - unlike Ota. As for me, all I did was cast a spell to cover the room in light; they took one look and ran in terror fearing I could toss a fireball or something. After all, I am a sorcerer, though looking back, I should have charmed them...then I could have had some "minions," I think that is the term, minions are sooo much fun.

We later set sail back North - I think it was north. On the way there, we saw a whale, of course being in my usual humor asked what color it was. Gray, damn, so much for my reference to Moby Dick. We landed on some island, a very popular tourist spot; I took in the baths and relaxed. Pockie thinks I am weird for taking a mud bath; I just counter with, "You are the one that licks yourself..."

My vacation did not last long, according to secondary sources - the bard- Ota spread a rumor that there was some demon kin in the volcano that eats children. He just ruined their economy and probably has scared off every demon on the island, I just laughed in shock," We destroy people's lives! So much fun..."

I do not know who is worse, Ota or Francine. Ota is the woodsy elf, whose rank makes things attack him. Francine is a fruit, he sort of liked the white armor - though would have preferred it in pink. As for me, I defend the race saying that I am the serious elf, me being serious...heh-heh-heh-heh.

We re-arrive in the city that the mayor that we pissed off was; I deceived to check on him out of self-preservation, he had upped and disappeared. On the other hand, the bard and Dice found on the docks the necromancer that was after the bird. I arrived and tried to keep Ota from making the situation worse figuring anyone that could raise the dead was too powerful for my magic. Dice did not understand why Death would commission him to find the mechanical bird; I just answered one word, "Necromancy."

Though I had it in mind to ask him some of his arts... This was on hearing that he died about 500 years ago and looked at our poor priest with fear and dread. I decided not, firstly if Straith scares him I hate to see what other things could scare him, also messing Death is not a good thing - the best warning that was given was, "Those who wish for it either get their wish fulfilled or not at all."

I insisted that we go to Inverness in the North, where his cult began figuring that if we search for the bird, that it would no longer plague us however that would hurt our cute priest's feelings.

I was out-voted, even Pockie out-voted me.

So I decided to do both at the same time, help Straith visit all the shrines he has to cleanse his sins and on my free-time either study for something that might combat that necromancer when the bird comes up again…

We are heading back to the city known for its black market … note to self, fireball with Ota and Francine's name on it. We are going through the rural areas, other words inbred morons … Ota and Francine should feel right at home with these hapsbergs…

So far nothing much happened…

Dice still dislikes magic, despite my debate with Pockie on taking an apprentice or at least some better magic – like the ability to create scrolls, wands, potions, creating wondrous items, or magical arms and armor…what would be more fun, Pockie likes the idea of wondrous items – the cat has the idea of riding on a magic broom …

Very typical, but useless in the current situation... Potions would mean, I could create potions of strength or armor or love… hum, that could prove useful… a love potion in a city's water supply, then sit back and watch the fun ensue… or a wands, I have heard that thieves could use wands so it might help out our resident one or at least annoy her. Weapons - let me see, creating a sword that can do something interesting – more interesting than Francine's, but I am not powerful enough to create more interesting effects… As for scrolls, forget it, they are one-shot wonders/blunders. So that leaves potions or wondrous items… Or I could just leave it up to chance, whatever comes up, I will use...but scrolls are out of the question in my current situation…

The current situation is that someone might be after those books I "borrowed" and is summoning up evil outsiders to fetch them from our carcasses … lucky for me I memorized what I wanted from the book that contains the ceremony, I could reproduce the book exactly, unfortunately I still do not know how to read the markings in the book … and I do not want to ask how the bard knows the language and writings of the infernal, that is not on my to-do list.

If anything, the plan is simple; I can get rid of the book in my possession by passing of to some worthless traveler and let him take the brunt of the evil. On the other hand, the idea that someone is summoning these creatures means that somewhere is a powerful sorcerer – I could easily betray my companions and learn from him … I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

For now other than the evil creatures Ota and the fruit, Francine, is at it again. They must like to fight and are giving the elf race a bad name, though it already has one since everyone wants to eat Elves.

Fist-fighting, much to our cute priest's protest, I on the other hand enjoyed it … as long as it was not me, I would not have survived a fistfight with either one of them - I am very delicate… I do like my fun…

hehehehe…

I made a good fortune off of placing bets on them, with a "little" adjustment of the odds; I made 5 gold from Dice in the first fight – when I adjusted the odds in Francine's favor. But in the second one, I decided not to adjust the odds because Ota threatened that I was next on his hit list…

Note to self-fireball or charm, I think fireball…

However, I decided to reap a large profit, so did Ota from the unconscious Francine, on second thought fireball Francine instead. When Francine asked about it, all I said was I did not know anything, I was very convincing

We arrived in some second-rate town. The bard discovered some poster of "Adventures wanted, neither inquire within," she was quick to also read the little subscript of, "Employer is nor responsible for loss of life, property, ability, limbs in the due course of the contract."

I suggested that we have a go at it, so into the inn to meet some minor mayor or baron who promised to give us fifty gold with proof of death if we clear the trade routes.

We accepted – we were not on some sort of deadline.

Ota insulted, "We have death…"

We set out with Francine on in the lead, since he-she is the best tracker. I am convinced that Francine and Ota have delusions of grandeur liking to pose dramatically after every kill, that Francine is a fruit, and Ota needs to be hit in the head with a sick a couple hundred times. With the "good" aid of Francine the Fruit's tracking we were attacked by four imps. Those little devils tried to poison us with their spines.

To the bard's amazement she managed to do as she sung, "Kill the little fucking imps before the kill me… holy fuck, I hit – I never hit … Fuck ow! Holy fuck, hits!"

She killed two of them; I killed the one that annoyed me. By my wise suggestion, we made camp there – so I can cut off the wings of the imp corpses.

I explained to Dice, "There must be some magic spell in the future that I could use them in," then the conversation moved to having her as my student all in order to learn some thieving skills.

I told her bluntly that I wanted to loot, that it helps with my bluff, and "Make things disappear – like every magician wants to do," I also informed that I was going to pass off the book written in infernal to the first traveler I met.

"What! You are carrying what!"

"A book that is written in a language I do not know or want to know, I do know that it is a ritual of some sort to the death god."

"EWE! We gotta talk about this," she paused the conversation as some giant ants attacked us, by my count eight of them.

We managed to squish them from invading this little picnic.

Then we resumed the conversation about the book, despite the bard's warnings that I should not take it out.

"I know that, I am a sorcerer after all," I replied knowing that there was a hive near by, then my attention returned to the conversation about the book – though in retrospect maybe I should have left it secret and I might just keep the book until I have the luxury of incinerating it without something bad happening to me or to the world.

I really do not care what happens to me or the world…I rather destroy the planet with my own hands than through some artifice made by someone else – I have a pride in my chaos, and besides I am NOT named after a flower. I think Dice is taking herself too seriously about the book, what is the problem; I have always known that some books are downright dangerous and that is the whole fun of it.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

I should remember to opt to just saying, "That's a secret," and being mysterious, but this is more fun to annoy the party I am currently with – except for the tragic case of Straith, the priest, he has already too much psychological problems to deal with on his own without me adding to them. Ota and Francine are just making him worse, God knows what will happen when the party breaks–up and goes our own way – I suspect that Straith might set Jack the Ripper to school. As long as it is not me, I would not care if he slaughtered hundreds.

On the other hand, I could off-load the book onto "Heff," well my uncle is much like the owner of Playboy but with very powerful and very scary magick. I have a suspicion that I will get smited for putting this little problem onto him … or unless he has planned this a hundred years ago, he does have the patience and tact to set a plan in motion a hundred years ago and let it come-to-a-head a century later. But why would he do such a thing to the others and me? The only reason I can think is teach his "Cute little nephew" some responsibility before getting married and that it will make a great story for the bard…

I have my suspicions about her, Tofee, that she may have a hand in this somehow … none knows that many languages – shrewdly speaking the language of dragons, elves, infernal creatures, celestial creatures - without dealing with those sorts of forces before. I do have the poise not to ask, I do not mettle in affairs that are not my own – though technically it is my affair … too bad I do not know any truth spells – and none has tried one on me since I will on habit might just think that I am telling the truth but it being a lie and the truth simultaneously. There are many sayings about truth, let me see which one fits the situation:

"Truth is what one makes of it."

"Questions are a burden to others; answers are a burden for oneself."

"The truth shall set you free; but right next to the old posting of "Work shall set you free" is a newer posting of "Never again."

"Propaganda rules the world, if one tells a lie long

enough and heard enough it becomes the truth."

"There is no truth in Investa The News, no news in Pravda

The Truth."

"Propaganda is oblivious to anyone with brains, but disinformation is not. Sometimes more than ninety percent of the content of disinformation is true. The thing that is important is to find the part that is false."

So much for philosophy, I suspect that there MUST be an unseen hand sinisterly moving everything behind the scenes – the books, the mechanical bird, the necromancer, the mayor who previously owned the books, the succubus that stole the bird, the bard, and the rest of us – all are actors in some sick little drama … my hope it is a comedy, where everything ends happily, or a farce, a joke … and not a tragedy, where everyone dies in the end.

If it is a tragedy, I hope that I am the comic relief that survives everything or one of the three Wyrd Witches of William Shakespeare's "The Scottish Play" and not the lead or the other parts. I know from observing little Staith that he can play the Lady, who washes her hands…I can be the one to "predict" destiny, slaughter swine, and weave magic to "make" destiny come to pass.

We went to sleep without concern and were again attacked by ants. It was decided to go into the anthill and play "Orkin-man." I giggled to myself knowing a spell that I could use in that situation – a cloud of stinking matter that reduces the movement of creatures.

Into the hill we went with the help of my little "Orkin-gas" it was an easy job getting to the queen and her chambers.

I manage to kill the queen ant; this sent four ants after me on the mindless intent to kill my person. On the sheer chance, Ota began clicking insults managing to distract them to attack him. We slaughter the ants with Straith constantly having to heal Dice and the bard protesting that most of the ant-gut splatter hit her and me.

I accused Ota, "You are on my list."

He cooed as we discover and divide the spoils –11.66 gold per member of the party, "There is nothing you can do about it, wizard."

"Sorcerer," I corrected and attempted to con Dice out of out little deal opting to give her a magic wand instead. Later that night as I took watch my cat and I heard something. I bow the signal whistle and said I heard wings, they do not believe me. I try convincingly to suggest it could be a vampire.

Ota started to go back to bed as imps shouting, "Eat shit and die", attacked us

We fight them because they attacked us, I manage with one of my spells hit and kill two targets – note this could be useful if Francine and Ota get at it again.

On the other hand Tofee sings out, "I'm the bad-ass bard," and composes a tale of heroic deeds of her destroying the imps.

Dice asked again what I was going to do with the book in my possession – she rather I just have kept it a secret. I just replied, "Fahrenheit 451."

"What?"

"You are cooking something," Ota asked clueless and proceeding to cook one of the imps – this made Straith take out his holy symbol and pray for our souls.

"The temperature books burn," I reply.

We return to the local lord and make him pay up for both the imps and the ants – 490 gold pieces for each of us. Though I suspect the local lord was not amused that there were imps and remembered a story of an infestation of demons on an island that used to be a great tourist spot. I recognized it as Ota's rumor catching on.

The travel was un-interesting despite my recount of how much money I have; this would include gem values, 6'658.5. I figure that I am a little short for creating a magical wand – because I know that it takes more money than this to create a wand. We arrive in the black-market town where through some half-heard whispers – me eavesdropping on Dice as she buys some stuff from the "no-questions asked salesman" that there is a feud between two wizards – Waldron and Turin – over political office. I think Dice did not like that I was doing such while I was trying to extract a low price for some magical items – she thinks I am a very meddling sorcerer, which in my mind is a great complement to my abilities.

The tactless Ota proceeds to get us involved into helping Turin in his political ambitions – this destroyed my plans. I really wanted to play both wizards off one another so that we can take our natural abilities to their cost – Ota the Rancid, as the soulless fighter; Tofee the Bard as the smart-alecky magic user; Francine the Fruit as the clueless swordsman …

Hehheh…

In a personal note I prefer that magic users do not get involved in politics, except for finding some callow youth making him a king and then act as a royal advisor. I have it in mind just to off the both of them and place the political office onto the first non-magic using bystander – the party only believes that I have political ambitions – all because I suggest a third party candidate then maliciously cackle. On the other hand, being the city council mage leader does have its benefits.

I introducing the bard by saying that she had a tale to be told got Turin to let us be hired by him and Ota did not get us smited in Turin's home. Dice on the other hand shows her colors on how wizards are not to be liked or trusted – albeit the very interesting piles of weapons that had to be placed at Turin's door. I craft-fully whisper suggestions on what can be done to aid or hinder the political career of Waldron – the bard's limericks about him, graffiti on public buildings, and just publicly de-pants-sing Waldron. The group probably wonders about my sanity or whether I am good or evil...

The political campaign went well, 1/3 of the people thought it was funny. I opt for checking on Waldron – dig up some dirt on him. As they break into the wizard's tower, Pockie and I proceed to apply to be Waldron's apprentice. I applied in my green cloak instead of the blue one - - which I wore to protect the bard in her propaganda campaign and that I usually wear - - and besides it was being cleaned of ant guts.

Note to self, make Ota's life a living hell.


End file.
